ninja mania

Well, it happened. I've finally gone completely fucking bonkers. The addition of the Chairman (that's Ninja to you, you scurvy dogs), the subsequent loss of proper sleep and most of the skin off my forearms (I originally wrote "off my hands" but that made it sound like I've been doing something violent and un-Biblical with myself for a prolonged period of time, which I haven't been, why do you ask? you some kind of pervert??), a huge impending work deadline and the continuing alcohol-related breakdown of all my internal organs - it all spells one thing: batshit craziness.

Case in point - I made my cat a MySpace page. Not only did I make him a MySpace page, I communicate with 'him' over MySpace, leaving messages on 'his' page and doing ones from 'him' on mine. You can probably deduce, through the subtle use of inverted commas there that 'he' is really me. That is, I'm writing messages to myself and pretending they're from my cat and writing them to me and pretending I'm him when I write them. Next I'm going to start dressing as a Brazil nut and scalping people on the subway.

But ninja's a good boy. And by 'a good boy' I mean 'perilously close to being a fur stole'. He destroys everything. He gets in everything. He's like some kind of bendy, warping, jumping, darting, shredding alien thing. He actually never sleeps - he's like a shark, he just circles the apartment at night, resting one eye at a time and taking bites out of things. Oh, he's got toys, plenty of toys. He's got your traditional mouse on a string (elasticised), balls with bells in, toilet rolls, tissues, hair elastics, bottle tops, electrical cords, my socks, the couchthe curtains and anything else not protected by razor wire and Nazis. You think he'd run out of steam at some point, but no. No end to the steam.

It has occured to me that he might be trying to punish me for getting his face stuck in his collar the other day. I put his new collar on him - a leather and metal studded job (oh, snap!), fastened it down to the first hole and waited to see how he'd handle it. I was expecting a fuss because, well, the ninja's resting position is fuss, but he seemed to take it OK. He bit the mouse on a string's head, fell backwards off the couch, mewled in the direction of the fridge a few times then disappeared into the other room - all normal.

Five minutes later I notice a flurry in the corner of my eye and the cat has his lower jaw stuck UNDER the collar! He's clawing away at his own mouth and squirming and panicking and there's blood and fur and I'm rushing over and trying to hold him still with one hand and undo the collar with the other and trying not to laugh because he has his MOUTH STUCK IN HIS COLLAR and trying not to bleed to death because he's rabbit-kicking my wrists with his back legs and skin is coming off. I managed to undo it pretty quickly, but I suspect that though the wounds have healed, the deep psychological scarring will always remain. Even worse, I proved to be a worse mum than Britney Spears. What's going to happen if I have a baby?? Will it make it to puberty or will I accidentally throw it off the balcony one day?

Anyway, here's his MySpace page if you want to leave him a message/witness my slide off the deep end.
http://www.myspace.com/ninjafuzzface
And here's another picture, because nothing else has happened apart from the soccer and thinking about talking about the soccer any more just makes me feel tired.



Next week: The benefits of elasticised collars.